26th June, 2017.
'Today is the day, boys. Our final chance; to make history, and to live the lives of free men.'
It is Eid-Ul-Fitr. A day to relish the tastiest morsels of meats and desserts handed down over generations of Muslim households; a day to visit friends and family and share laughter and history together; a day to bestow gifts as tokens of love and kinship to one and all.
A day for younglings to fleece elders for every penny they've got.
Allow me to explain. On this sacred day, it is a custom for employed folks to give a banknote (of whatever denomination they fancy) each to everyone younger than them, called an Eidi. So, obviously, the profits from this exercise follow a downward slope with respect to age. And my three nephews knew they had to get going while the going was good.
The eldest and the most ferocious - they called him the Kraken. He was built like a mammoth, using his impressive gait and strength to intimidate the most difficult of targets. When unleashed, surrender was the only option.
Next came Doc - the brains behind all the operations. His strategies were flawless; his traps impenetrable. He had the knack of organizing the most elaborate of plans without the authorities getting an inkling.
The youngest, and possibly the most dangerous, was Medusa. He had a face that made anyone stop in his or her tracks and submit willingly to whatever was being asked for. Whenever the trio got into trouble, Medusa was the one who got them out scot-free.
They had been planning today for a long time. And they would not fail.
Please note that the names of my three nephews have been changed - because it's way more fun.
'Adaab, adaab,' I wasted no time circulating among the elders with my bowl of sevain, collecting the 100s and 500s and depositing them into the pockets of my flimsy shorts. I smiled at everyone, not lingering for too long lest I be accused of persistence, and elbowed aside my niece and two of my nephews as my uncle brandished his last Rs. 500 notes. 'Adaab,' I gushed and struck gold. My niece eyed daggers at me as she received a 100 from a very apologetic uncle.
I hurried into the neighbouring room, changed into a different set of clothes and set out again, making sure this time round only my saluting hand was visible. It didn't really work. It was possible the elders were keeping count.
I sat quietly in a corner and counted my pickings, making sure no one was looking at me. Little did I know that Medusa was watching me with his tiny eyes, peeking from beside his mother's elbow.
'The target is loaded, and is moving to the safe house in the lower floor as we speak. We have a narrow window of 20 seconds in which to strike. Afterwards, the money will be behind locked doors.' Doc growled.
'Can't we break through them?' Medusa chirped.
'No. I haven't learnt lock-picking yet. I'm in second standard, you moron,' Doc snapped. 'Here's what we'll do - as soon as the target gets to the central living room, me and Medusa shall shadow him. I will give the signal.'
'What happens at the signal?' The Kraken rumbled.
Doc smiled. 'Our signature move.'
I caught Doc staring at me from the corner of his eye, his own hand clutching a wad of notes. They were onto me. I gulped. I had to get to the bottom floor, to where Papa was sleeping - there, no one would dare disturb us. That was the only room in which anything was secure.
I leapt to my feet, muttering about taking a bottle of water downstairs, and made my way through the central living room. As soon as I crossed the fridge, Medusa jumped upon me. 'Danish Chacha, please give us a horse ride,' he chirped in his Korean teenager voice. I melted. I threw him onto my back, and reached for the bottles.
'Danish Mamu, where are you going?' Doc appeared out of nowhere.
'I'm..errr, I'm going to fill water,' I stuttered.
'I'll help you,' he beamed at me, speaking loud enough for his mother to hear.
His mother turned around and patted him. 'Such a good boy you are - go help him, and you'll get a treat when you get back.'
Oh no. Now I really had to go fill water. I smiled at my cousin sister, while Doc and Medusa clung onto me, inches away from the shallow vestibule of my flimsy garment, containing my hard-earned life savings. It felt like I had to give the vote of thanks at an annual function with a guy underneath the podium holding a gun to my crotch.
I turned around slowly, and trudged my way to the staircase. As soon as my sister disappeared, I would shake them off and bolt downstairs. They were no match for my speed. But my timing had to be perfect.
'Echo One, Echo One, the target is surrounded. I repeat, the target is surrounded. Wait for my signal.'
I walked slowly. I could feel my sister's adoring gaze on our cute little trio - a kid on my back, and another holding my hand. She had no idea what was about to go down.
I heard her moving away. Any moment now.
'Stand down. I repeat, stand down. Now is not the time to strike.'
I heard the door open. She was gone. I dropped the bottle on purpose, and stooped to retrive it, setting my youngest nephew down. Doc's eyes widened - he knew it was a trick.
'Steady, steady...'
I jumped up, breaking my hand free from Doc, and took my first step towards freedom.
'RELEASE THE KRAKEN!' Doc bellowed into the walkie-talkie.
The Kraken charged like a Juggernaut, running over the target with the precision of a drunk Delhi bus driver. The hapless victim was no match for the tackle, and tumbled easily, leaving his shorts vulnerable. Greedy hands were onto them in minutes, robbing them of their contents and bolting to safety.
I chased after them like a demented tax-collector, and watched with dismay as they entered the room where all the elders were seated, safe from any confrontation.
Doc, Medusa and Kraken fist-bumped each other. 'Nice timing. Now, we need to watch our backs. Our victim is not above getting retribution. He may try to stone-wall our collections and overtake us. Be alert,' Doc wagged a finger. 'I have a feeling it's not over.'
Oh, this was far from over. There were three more families coming in. I gritted my teeth and waited.
'All right, here's the deal.' Doc laid out the map of the house. 'I've received intel that there are three armoured trucks coming this way at around noon. There will be a short window of thirty seconds before they disappear into heavily-guarded territory, where access is impossible.'
The other two listened intently, sipping milk from their Ben 10 bottles.
'We shall intercept them here. Medusa, you shall lead the attack. We shall do the follow-up damage in the smokescreen time slot. Do not fail - this is our last shot.'
The three embraced each other, packed their sippers and left to take up their positions. Kraken stopped Medusa and handed him a pack of diapers. 'Things could get messy,' he rumbled.
Medusa nodded grimly and put the nappies in his pocket.
'Bhabhi,' I sighed. 'Could you tell me where the kids are? I need their help with something, and the others are sleeping.'
'Of course. They're in the big bedroom, playing some game you taught them. Just remember to be back when the guests arrive - they're coming especially to see all the kids.'
'Sure,' I smiled evilly, making my way towards the bedroom.
Doc and Kraken lay in wait, running their fingers over the water pistols they had bought from a trusted arms dealer. Five minutes to go.
'We're done for!' Medusa yelped, barging into the room, waving the packet of diapers. 'It's the fuzz!'
'The cops! How did they discover our hide-out?' Doc wailed.
'Never mind that,' Kraken bellowed, snatching up his pistol and arming himself with two water balloons. 'Huddle together men - we shall show these wretches how brave men die!'
They assumed a trident formation with Kraken at the front. They heard heavy footsteps coming around the corner. They were ready - they would go out like heroes.
'Danish Chacha!' Kraken pointed and yelled like a dramatic witness in a Hitchcock movie. I was on top of them in seconds, pinning all of them down, groaning with pain as they flashed their watch-lights right into my eyes.
I had bundled all three of them inside a heavy blanket. Escape would not be possible for at least a minute. It was enough time for me to lock them in - and gloat.
'You think you could get the better of me, you meddling kids!' I was reminded of the ending of a Scooby-Doo episode. 'Now, stay here until the guests are gone - and remember what Mummy did to you guys the last time you made noise when we had company?'
I laughed maniacally, complete with thunder and lightning (or perhaps it was just the labourers hacking away at the terrace above me and the faulty bulbs) and bolted them in. Time to go fill my coffers.
The trio sat on the floor, defeated. Kraken rattled his handcuffs against the table legs angrily. 'Our window is gone. The money is probably already in his hands.'
Doc sat, silent.
'Come on, Doc,' Kraken said pleadingly. 'Think of something. You're good at this sort of stuff.'
Doc opened his mouth to reveal the key to their handcuffs.
'We're saved!' The two of them yelled in unison. 'Why didn't you free us before then?' Kraken shouted, indignant.
'Because,' a ghost of a smile stretched Doc's lips. 'I have a plan.'
'Where did you get that?' Medusa wondered, looking at the mobile in Doc's hand.
'I nicked it from Danish Chacha's pocket while he was wrestling us,' Doc chuckled. 'Come on, we'll call Mummy and get out of here.'
The three of them shrugged off their wounds and made their way out of the warehouse. It was payback time. They made their way to the border, where they were to intercept the trucks, now long gone. Silhouetted by the setting sun, a lone figure looked back at them, smiling scornfully. He was about to cross the border; they could not touch him.
Doc smiled and looked at Kraken, who nodded.
They burst into the sofa room. The guests had just left. I was standing by the wall near the door, grinning like a serial killer. 'They've gone, bitwas,' I drawled sweetly. 'Where were you? Only I was here to collect the Eidi.' I waved the wad of notes in my hand and proceeded to pocket it.
'Danish Chacha, you have a job now, right?' Doc spoke up innocently.
My hands froze.
'Hey,' Doc yelled out. The shadowy figure stopped in his tracks.
'We forgot to say thank you.'
The figure looked puzzled and hesitated for a moment. That was all the distraction they needed.
'Medusa, you're on.' Doc croaked into the walkie-talkie. 'Give it your best shot.'
'Adaab, Danish Chacha,' Medusa purred, bringing his hand up in a graceful salutation. All the elders around the room went 'Awwww...'.
I lost control of my body as my hand thrust the wad of notes towards them. I watched frantically as the three snatched away my pickings with impish elegance, bowing as they did it. My lips stretched into a homicidal smile and I put an empty hand back into my pocket. It was over.
They looked at the figure, now flat on his back. Medusa threw the packet of diapers onto the motionless man's chest. 'You're going to need it where you're going,' he whispered.
They picked up a bag each, fist-bumped each other and walked off into the sunset, with the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly playing until the sun disappeared.
'Today is the day, boys. Our final chance; to make history, and to live the lives of free men.'
It is Eid-Ul-Fitr. A day to relish the tastiest morsels of meats and desserts handed down over generations of Muslim households; a day to visit friends and family and share laughter and history together; a day to bestow gifts as tokens of love and kinship to one and all.
A day for younglings to fleece elders for every penny they've got.
Allow me to explain. On this sacred day, it is a custom for employed folks to give a banknote (of whatever denomination they fancy) each to everyone younger than them, called an Eidi. So, obviously, the profits from this exercise follow a downward slope with respect to age. And my three nephews knew they had to get going while the going was good.
The eldest and the most ferocious - they called him the Kraken. He was built like a mammoth, using his impressive gait and strength to intimidate the most difficult of targets. When unleashed, surrender was the only option.
Next came Doc - the brains behind all the operations. His strategies were flawless; his traps impenetrable. He had the knack of organizing the most elaborate of plans without the authorities getting an inkling.
The youngest, and possibly the most dangerous, was Medusa. He had a face that made anyone stop in his or her tracks and submit willingly to whatever was being asked for. Whenever the trio got into trouble, Medusa was the one who got them out scot-free.
They had been planning today for a long time. And they would not fail.
Please note that the names of my three nephews have been changed - because it's way more fun.
'Adaab, adaab,' I wasted no time circulating among the elders with my bowl of sevain, collecting the 100s and 500s and depositing them into the pockets of my flimsy shorts. I smiled at everyone, not lingering for too long lest I be accused of persistence, and elbowed aside my niece and two of my nephews as my uncle brandished his last Rs. 500 notes. 'Adaab,' I gushed and struck gold. My niece eyed daggers at me as she received a 100 from a very apologetic uncle.
I hurried into the neighbouring room, changed into a different set of clothes and set out again, making sure this time round only my saluting hand was visible. It didn't really work. It was possible the elders were keeping count.
I sat quietly in a corner and counted my pickings, making sure no one was looking at me. Little did I know that Medusa was watching me with his tiny eyes, peeking from beside his mother's elbow.
'The target is loaded, and is moving to the safe house in the lower floor as we speak. We have a narrow window of 20 seconds in which to strike. Afterwards, the money will be behind locked doors.' Doc growled.
'Can't we break through them?' Medusa chirped.
'No. I haven't learnt lock-picking yet. I'm in second standard, you moron,' Doc snapped. 'Here's what we'll do - as soon as the target gets to the central living room, me and Medusa shall shadow him. I will give the signal.'
'What happens at the signal?' The Kraken rumbled.
Doc smiled. 'Our signature move.'
I caught Doc staring at me from the corner of his eye, his own hand clutching a wad of notes. They were onto me. I gulped. I had to get to the bottom floor, to where Papa was sleeping - there, no one would dare disturb us. That was the only room in which anything was secure.
I leapt to my feet, muttering about taking a bottle of water downstairs, and made my way through the central living room. As soon as I crossed the fridge, Medusa jumped upon me. 'Danish Chacha, please give us a horse ride,' he chirped in his Korean teenager voice. I melted. I threw him onto my back, and reached for the bottles.
'Danish Mamu, where are you going?' Doc appeared out of nowhere.
'I'm..errr, I'm going to fill water,' I stuttered.
'I'll help you,' he beamed at me, speaking loud enough for his mother to hear.
His mother turned around and patted him. 'Such a good boy you are - go help him, and you'll get a treat when you get back.'
Oh no. Now I really had to go fill water. I smiled at my cousin sister, while Doc and Medusa clung onto me, inches away from the shallow vestibule of my flimsy garment, containing my hard-earned life savings. It felt like I had to give the vote of thanks at an annual function with a guy underneath the podium holding a gun to my crotch.
I turned around slowly, and trudged my way to the staircase. As soon as my sister disappeared, I would shake them off and bolt downstairs. They were no match for my speed. But my timing had to be perfect.
'Echo One, Echo One, the target is surrounded. I repeat, the target is surrounded. Wait for my signal.'
I walked slowly. I could feel my sister's adoring gaze on our cute little trio - a kid on my back, and another holding my hand. She had no idea what was about to go down.
I heard her moving away. Any moment now.
'Stand down. I repeat, stand down. Now is not the time to strike.'
I heard the door open. She was gone. I dropped the bottle on purpose, and stooped to retrive it, setting my youngest nephew down. Doc's eyes widened - he knew it was a trick.
'Steady, steady...'
I jumped up, breaking my hand free from Doc, and took my first step towards freedom.
'RELEASE THE KRAKEN!' Doc bellowed into the walkie-talkie.
The Kraken charged like a Juggernaut, running over the target with the precision of a drunk Delhi bus driver. The hapless victim was no match for the tackle, and tumbled easily, leaving his shorts vulnerable. Greedy hands were onto them in minutes, robbing them of their contents and bolting to safety.
I chased after them like a demented tax-collector, and watched with dismay as they entered the room where all the elders were seated, safe from any confrontation.
Doc, Medusa and Kraken fist-bumped each other. 'Nice timing. Now, we need to watch our backs. Our victim is not above getting retribution. He may try to stone-wall our collections and overtake us. Be alert,' Doc wagged a finger. 'I have a feeling it's not over.'
Oh, this was far from over. There were three more families coming in. I gritted my teeth and waited.
'All right, here's the deal.' Doc laid out the map of the house. 'I've received intel that there are three armoured trucks coming this way at around noon. There will be a short window of thirty seconds before they disappear into heavily-guarded territory, where access is impossible.'
The other two listened intently, sipping milk from their Ben 10 bottles.
'We shall intercept them here. Medusa, you shall lead the attack. We shall do the follow-up damage in the smokescreen time slot. Do not fail - this is our last shot.'
The three embraced each other, packed their sippers and left to take up their positions. Kraken stopped Medusa and handed him a pack of diapers. 'Things could get messy,' he rumbled.
Medusa nodded grimly and put the nappies in his pocket.
'Bhabhi,' I sighed. 'Could you tell me where the kids are? I need their help with something, and the others are sleeping.'
'Of course. They're in the big bedroom, playing some game you taught them. Just remember to be back when the guests arrive - they're coming especially to see all the kids.'
'Sure,' I smiled evilly, making my way towards the bedroom.
Doc and Kraken lay in wait, running their fingers over the water pistols they had bought from a trusted arms dealer. Five minutes to go.
'We're done for!' Medusa yelped, barging into the room, waving the packet of diapers. 'It's the fuzz!'
'The cops! How did they discover our hide-out?' Doc wailed.
'Never mind that,' Kraken bellowed, snatching up his pistol and arming himself with two water balloons. 'Huddle together men - we shall show these wretches how brave men die!'
They assumed a trident formation with Kraken at the front. They heard heavy footsteps coming around the corner. They were ready - they would go out like heroes.
'Danish Chacha!' Kraken pointed and yelled like a dramatic witness in a Hitchcock movie. I was on top of them in seconds, pinning all of them down, groaning with pain as they flashed their watch-lights right into my eyes.
I had bundled all three of them inside a heavy blanket. Escape would not be possible for at least a minute. It was enough time for me to lock them in - and gloat.
'You think you could get the better of me, you meddling kids!' I was reminded of the ending of a Scooby-Doo episode. 'Now, stay here until the guests are gone - and remember what Mummy did to you guys the last time you made noise when we had company?'
I laughed maniacally, complete with thunder and lightning (or perhaps it was just the labourers hacking away at the terrace above me and the faulty bulbs) and bolted them in. Time to go fill my coffers.
The trio sat on the floor, defeated. Kraken rattled his handcuffs against the table legs angrily. 'Our window is gone. The money is probably already in his hands.'
Doc sat, silent.
'Come on, Doc,' Kraken said pleadingly. 'Think of something. You're good at this sort of stuff.'
Doc opened his mouth to reveal the key to their handcuffs.
'We're saved!' The two of them yelled in unison. 'Why didn't you free us before then?' Kraken shouted, indignant.
'Because,' a ghost of a smile stretched Doc's lips. 'I have a plan.'
'Where did you get that?' Medusa wondered, looking at the mobile in Doc's hand.
'I nicked it from Danish Chacha's pocket while he was wrestling us,' Doc chuckled. 'Come on, we'll call Mummy and get out of here.'
The three of them shrugged off their wounds and made their way out of the warehouse. It was payback time. They made their way to the border, where they were to intercept the trucks, now long gone. Silhouetted by the setting sun, a lone figure looked back at them, smiling scornfully. He was about to cross the border; they could not touch him.
Doc smiled and looked at Kraken, who nodded.
They burst into the sofa room. The guests had just left. I was standing by the wall near the door, grinning like a serial killer. 'They've gone, bitwas,' I drawled sweetly. 'Where were you? Only I was here to collect the Eidi.' I waved the wad of notes in my hand and proceeded to pocket it.
'Danish Chacha, you have a job now, right?' Doc spoke up innocently.
My hands froze.
'Hey,' Doc yelled out. The shadowy figure stopped in his tracks.
'We forgot to say thank you.'
The figure looked puzzled and hesitated for a moment. That was all the distraction they needed.
'Medusa, you're on.' Doc croaked into the walkie-talkie. 'Give it your best shot.'
'Adaab, Danish Chacha,' Medusa purred, bringing his hand up in a graceful salutation. All the elders around the room went 'Awwww...'.
I lost control of my body as my hand thrust the wad of notes towards them. I watched frantically as the three snatched away my pickings with impish elegance, bowing as they did it. My lips stretched into a homicidal smile and I put an empty hand back into my pocket. It was over.
They looked at the figure, now flat on his back. Medusa threw the packet of diapers onto the motionless man's chest. 'You're going to need it where you're going,' he whispered.
They picked up a bag each, fist-bumped each other and walked off into the sunset, with the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly playing until the sun disappeared.
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