Chapter 16 - Vertigo
I awoke to the soft whistling of the wind, ruffling the tiny flap in the tent I had left open. It was 4 am. Time to leave for Shivling.
I jumped up, fuelled by the excitement and the impending sense of danger. Everyone had warned us against going on this trek, especially so early. People usually went in July, when the snow was something you admired from a distance. There were possibilities of avalanches, snowstorms, frostbite - even a steep fall, hurtling towards unforgiving rocks.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
We had a quick breakfast of Maggi and vegetable khichdi, and packed small bags, leaving the rest in the hut. The cloud cover had gotten denser - but Happy and Pramod shrugged it off.
'We'll be going through a small descent. There is another route, called Danger Point, but we'll choose that on our way back, when the clouds disperse.'
We walked upwards from Ganesh Camp till we'd reached the top, and took a peek downwards to see the steepest descent I had ever seen.
Gloomy clouds had obscured our every step, with no sight of the bottom. After every metre, a new landscape was revealed to us, like we were entering The Wardrobe in every new world. It only boosted my confidence.
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light..." - Dylan Thomas
It seemed to never end, like we were traversing the belly of an infinite beast. The fog kept thickening, and monstrous shapes and silhouettes reared themselves at every turn, revealing themselves later to be harmless trees and shrubs.
Perhaps we fear the silhouettes and shapes of things rather than their actual forms, and that is what holds us back.
Suddenly, flowering shrubs became visible. Happy stopped to tell us about a multi-purpose plant - the pink rhododendron. It is the state flower of Himachal Pradesh. The locals use it for ornamentation, flavouring, weaving clothes and bags, and even for making liquor.
After crossing the field of pink and white, we finally glimpsed the bottom, calling out to us like a shrine in a jungle. I could hear the trickling of water close by. We hit the bottom and set down our bags, retrieving our bottles for a change of water.
Soon, we saw the sun come out on one side of the sky, with heavy clouds refusing to leave on the other. It was as if night and day had intruded upon the same spot at the same time, and were fighting for control. I could feel the tussle between my various moods too, being called upon like allies by the Yin and Yang I saw in front of me.
Finally, the day won, and the clouds parted. We could see the entire, beautiful panorama from our little brook. Pramod and Happy took photos, while Akash and Naman rested, looking up at the incline we couldn't believe we had just conquered.
I looked up at the infinite sheet of snow we had to span, starting at our feet and ending in the high mountains. It was far from over.
Chapter 17 - And Then There Were None
'All right, people,' Happy boomed. 'Today you will learn how to walk on a slant, snow-covered, slippery mountain slope despite having completely ill-equipped Nike shoes,' he grinned his widest. 'Ram your foot into the snow, sideways, against the incline. Rest all your weight on that small cavity that is formed, and do the same with the other foot. Preferably, just strengthen the footings that your friend in front of you is making.'
I slowly put a foot onto the frosty ground and promptly slipped.
It was a matter of minutes; we were almost gliding across the snow. Naman and Akash followed suit. Akash was having some problems, probably because he wasn't able to dig his feet into the snow, and his shoes didn't have the bare-minimum grip required to keep balance. But we were steadily going upwards. The air was getting thinner and colder, and I could feel the cold seeping into my feet.
Me and Naman crossed the first glacier and made our way up the rocks, climbing with both hands and feet. We looked back to see Pramod and Happy signalling us to wait. We halted. What was wrong?
'All right, here's the deal.' Happy had a very serious edge to his voice. 'Looking at your speeds, I think only Danish will be able to make it to Shivling. Akash, I think you should stay here - Naman, you climb up till 12:30, then wait. I will stay with you two - Pramod will go with Danish.'
I didn't like splitting up like this, leaving them behind - but I wanted to see Shivling.
'Nobody feel bad, please. This is pure logistics. This always happens in a group, there are various degrees of stamina. As long as we don't hold each other back, it'll be fine.' Happy took his stick and started climbing down. 'I'll take Akash down and come back for you, Naman. Danish, go with Pramod.'
I looked back at the two of them. They nodded. I sighed and followed Pramod into the ice.
Little did I know I was going to face the biggest challenge to my stamina, my willpower - even my life.
Chapter 18 - There And Back Again
Me and Pramod set off, climbing up another trail we found, half-buried beneath the snow that had just fallen. In front of me was a parallel universe, made of the colours dark brown, white and sky blue.
We came across a small cave. I set my bag down, panting heavily. It seemed of no use, as my breaths seemed to give nothing but emptiness to my lungs,
'Dalai Lama has taken shelter in this cave.' Pramod pointed to the outer wall, which had faint writings. 'He is the one who put Reckong Peo - and this trail - on the map. Many people return from this cave, which is at 4400m above sea level.'
I looked at him questioningly.
'We're not returning,' he smirked. 'Come on,' he slapped me strongly on my back. 'Your lungs will get used to it in a while.'
Probably my great-grandson's lungs, if I marry a Sherpa and my son marries a Sherpa and so does my grandson, I thought quietly to myself. And if he's born in this cave.
The clouds seemed to roll in from nowhere. We were at a point where I could see the mist being released from the icy stream and collecting in a dense pocket, forming the intimidating cluster of deceptive transparency we knew as a cloud.
Pramod moved on, unmindful of the cloud. 'The only way to avoid a storm, is to leave it behind you. Don't hide, don't run from it; walk right through it.'
Well, if that isn't a metaphor for life, I don't know what is.
We walked inside the cloud, stepping over huge rocks and trudging through snow. The air kept thinning, and my legs were now starting to rebel, groaning with every movement, wincing with every landing. After a while, it was sheer willpower taking me forward.
For there was no way but forward.
"I have to go, I have to go,
For I have seen this storm before...
And when it ends,
You'll find my body washed ashore..."
'Happy birthday, Danish!' A sea of voices chorused through the speaker of my phone. I smiled. They hadn't forgotten me. In fact, there were new people who hadn't even seen me yet, wishing me with the sincerity of an old friend.
Only Raag, I thought.
'Acapapa...acapapa...happy birthday...' I grinned. Hallelujah and Can't Help Falling In Love With You. Akshay was a stickler for Easter eggs.
'... to you...' Nandini sang the komal dha. A sea of memories engulfed me; a series of images of the staircase, music club, Raag room, chamber concerts, performances...like a child's flipbook. The faces kept coming back.
I was going there, wasn't it? Three more months - I would see them, it was fine. But I would be back again. Back to Bangalore, back to a parallel universe of grey, white and sky blue.
Have faith, everything will be all right, they said. Who can really promise that?
'Bhai,' Pramod pierced through a year's worth of memories and brought me back. 'We're here. Well done.'
I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. Then the clouds parted to reveal a tiny slab of rock perched atop a spire of stone. Shivling.
'Fifteen minutes of walking - we reach Parvati Kund. Then, depending on the weather, we decide whether it's safe to climb Shivling or not.'
I ascended with a new energy flowing through my veins - who needed oxygen, or glucose, or water? I was channeling some paranormal force that was keeping me moving for the sole reason that we could.
Only forward.
There was some paranormal force connecting us, keeping us in sync. This chamber concert was different. Akshay knew the exact phrases the Raga deserved, Rahul played like an enigma - decoding the beat pattern and playing the exact naadams according to the mood. I could sense what emotion and note was wanted and accompanied along, letting it all flow like a confluence of three streams into a mighty river.
MGRSD....Akshay hit the komal dha, and Rahul stopped playing. I let go of the chord, it's silent reverberation completing the moment.
Nostalgia is in the spaces. So is music.
'Parvati Kund, we've made it. I don't believe it.' Pramod was stunned. Together, we had found some fountain of cosmic youth and powered our way through fatigue, cold and suffocation to reach our destination with half an hour to spare.
It started snowing. I spotted the first snowflake, peering at it closely, looking for the hexagonal fractal pattern that encoded the secret of life itself. It floated down and rested on my eyelash. I could see it's blurry outline and fuzzier geometry, seconds before it melted into nothingness.
Then it grew heavier, blanketing the snowy terrain with more layers. I knew the answer - we couldn't make the climb. Walking was one thing, and rock-climbing on snow-covered, avalanche-prone boulders was another.
'It's okay,' Pramod said, removing a coconut and a packet of milk from my bag. 'We'll give an offering here at Parvati Kund and leave. If not for the snow, we would have gone up.'
'Where is it?'
He pointed to a huge rock, following a small descent, about 200m away.
'Okay,' I started.
He stopped me. 'Shoes off.'
It was -10 degrees. I stared at him like he was crazy.
'Hey, it's a temple.'
I smiled. All of this was surreal anyway. Fine, shoes off.
We reached the rock. I saw him break the coconut and open the packet of milk.
This was the purpose of religious expeditions and voyages, wasn't it? The journey - it changed you. It made you stronger, more tolerant, less petty...you learned about other people's problems and the things that made them happy...you judged everyone less, and most importantly - you found your chaos in this chaotic mess.
The milk flowed down the rocks and froze in mid-air, forming a milk stalactite. I broke it off and tasted it.
I laughed heartily, tears almost forming in my eyes with the profoundness of the moment. I now knew what faith was.
Faith isn't believing everything will be all right - faith is believing that even if it isn't, it's all right.
The snow fell heavily, covering us like confetti. 'Let's go,' Pramod said. He placed a hand on my shoulder. 'Next time, we're climbing this.'
Needless to say, the way back was easier.
Chapter 19 - Requiem For A Dream
Descending was a lot faster. My lungs had gotten used to the low pressure, and were breathing normally. I was jumping down upon rocks and hurtling through snow like I belonged there.
We spotted tiny paw-prints near one of the bigger rocks. Pramod told me there were many snow leopards around, and it was common to spot them in July or August. I really wanted to follow those footprints, but we had to get back before dusk.
It took about fifteen minutes to get a glimpse of Happy and Naman, sitting on the glacier, having made their own little adventure while we'd been away. Even they had seen some of the snow, though not as heavy.
Me and Pramod narrated everything that had happened to Happy and Naman, sipping our last batch of Glucon-D and munching the last of our dry fruits. We realized we'd left Akash by the first glacier, all alone. No one seemed willing to move though - we kept staring at the mountains and clouds.
I could sense that at some level, we all wished to live, if only for a few moments, outside our corporeal forms; our minds to fly free, unattached, unbound.
We finally continued downwards to Akash. Together, we moved on to Danger Point. It was a series of seven glacier crossings, each more slippery and unstable than the next - especially in this transition period. We all moved as a group, looking out for each other.
After crossing Danger Point, we paused for a while just above the brook. I looked down at the yellow rhododendrons and the endless glacier going right down to where the first tributary began. I suddenly felt like it had gotten over too soon. That high point, and then - back to the ground, to reality.
'Danish, can I be honest with you, just this once?'
I waited.
'I'm disappointed with you. I'm sorry, I didn't expect this.'
I looked back at everything I had done in Bangalore. It had been exciting, fun, a new kind of thrill, a different level of ecstacy and bliss. Cycling to Mysore, the trek to Bandaje Falls, Avala Betta, Nandi Hills, the food trips, the open mic nights in Humming Tree, the short trip to Chennai, the family expedition to Coorg and Chikmaglur, all the cooking and experimenting, the monthly visits to NCBS, meeting and interacting with so many new people...yet somewhere, I had hurt a few people - directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly, and disappointed those who cared about me.
We would all love to go through life, helping as many people as possible - but maybe the most we can hope for is hurting as little.
We sat beside the brook, stretched our cramped and worn-out legs, and immersed our aching toes in the water, feeling the blood rush through our limbs. Akash looked at me and smiled, 'How was it?'
What was I to say? I looked back at the clouds engulfing the entire route we had just covered, showering down layer upon layer of snow, erasing our footprints like we'd never even been there.
And one day, time would remove all signs of our existence - so the only moments that mattered were the ones we were in.
Do not miss what happened, for then you're missing what's happening.
'Come on, everyone. Let's get back to Ganesh Camp. It's evening.' Happy grunted.
I got up, looking back at Shivling. We had been to another realm in mere hours. I looked back up at the ascent, pink and yellow and green. We would be scaling this too, in a matter of minutes. It seemed like we were all inside an adventure storybook. And it was ending.
Chapter 20 - The Bucket List
We went back up - all of us were down to the very last reserves of our energy. Even though we were taking it slow, our bodies refused to move. The only thing that kept us going was the fact that our tents were waiting for us to snuggle in.
That barely helped.
I heard about Rakshit's farewell. It was a different feeling, hearing about the shows, the fun sessions and the farewell from a thousand miles away.
He gave pointers to everyone - music was not to be taken lightly, practice and dedication was something we owed to it.
I sat guiltily in the tiny hall of our room, my borrowed keyboard and flutes in front of me. What had I achieved in these three years? Nothing, really. A bit of this, a piece of that, an attempt in this direction, an endeavour in this field...was that all I would be?
This wasn't done. I had to do something, make a mark at least on myself, finish something I would be proud of. No more half attempts.
I took a piece of paper and a pen.
I was halfway through, my breaths coming in short, rugged gasps. I had taken this up - I had to see it through to its very end. No excuses.
Behind me, I saw Naman and Akash standing near a pink rhododendron shrub, resting. Happy was with them, making sure they were all right. He had left me alone, in the confidence that I would surely make it.
People expected things from me - things I wasn't sure I could deliver. Although ideally that shouldn't be a criteria, on some level people's opinions do matter; on a holistic scale, for your self-worth and self-esteem in whatever you do.
But what is this line? Where does comparison, competition, critique and correction end, and pure art begin? When are we free from the human corruption of whatever we do, and submit to the higher channel we're all paying tribute to?
Whatever that line was, it was a long way ahead of me.
I reached the top, glimpsing Pramod, a few metres ahead of me, carrying a bundle of sticks. I followed him slowly. I had made it. Now, we would wait for the others with noodles ready on the plates.
'So, did you like Himachal Pradesh?' Pramod asked, stirring the boiling pot, filling the hut with steam and the smell of spices and kerosene.
'Loved it,' I whispered back. 'I want to do more treks.' I said, louder this time.
'Of course. You can easily do any trek now, I'm sure. This was the hardest trek in Himachal Pradesh - and that too in mid-August. You've done it in early May, that's incredible.'
I smiled. I wasn't that bad, it seems. Something would become of me, after all.
I browsed through my laptop. Artworks, compositions, articles, poems, stories, songs - there was enough good, enough mediocrity, and enough worthlessness there to make me realize that there was still miles to go, and I would probably be able to travel them.
'You know what,' Rahul's words came back to me. 'Let's keep doing this.'
All five of us sat around the stove, hungrily devouring our soupy noodles. Happy narrated his story; his troubles in his adolescence, his drive to popularize Himachal Pradesh and it's local activities, and his various projects.
With the help of college students and fellow enthusiasts, he planned to uncover unmapped routes and places in the state, and discover new peaks and trails. These would be fun, challenging treks, and would also reveal some untapped resources and chart new paths for the local police and the army. I told him about the Search and Rescue team sponsored by the Indian Government, and he said he'd look it up. It was something common to both of us - exploring the unknown.
'I just want to do something new, man,' Happy concluded, putting down his plate and reaching for a bottle of water.
'Don't we all,' I thought, taking a gulp from the bottle he passed me. 'Let's all do something new, and in a month, we'll have changed the world.'
Akash and Naman were fast asleep. I exited the hut and made my way to my tent. I crept into my sleeping bag, struggling with the tent's flap. The wind was much stronger tonight, nipping at my exposed fingers. I was exhausted beyond my limits, for the first time. Dreams would not come.
Tomorrow, we were going back.
'Tanmay, take this.'
'What is this?'
'It's a chord chart. Shows the finger placements of all the possible chords on the guitar. Thought you might find it useful.'
He looked at me and smiled. 'Thanks, man.' I nodded and went to my usual sleeping place, the couch. Somehow I was most comfortable there.
That night, I heard him strumming a beautiful tune. As I would find out later, it was his own composition. Right before I drifted off to sleep, all the best moments that had ever happened to me passed right before my eyes, leaving phantom emotions in their wake. I tried to grab all of them, experience them again, before I drifted off to another dream.
Tanmay played a shuddh Ga, changing the scale. I recognized it. Charukeshi. My eyes closed.
Tomorrow, I was going back.
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand —
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep — while I weep!
O God! Can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"
No comments:
Post a Comment