Prologue:
I implore everyone to please read the entire piece.
I know the rant is huge, but so is the issue.Whether it be gangrapes, molestation, lewd comments, slut-shaming, demeaning group chats or jokes with belittling intention, they're all just dominoes of different sizes, being toppled everyday, cyclically.
Maybe as a man, I will never be able to understand enough what it is like to be in a woman's shoes in this world currently, but all I can do is try to spread the word, change a few mindsets, and suggest changes we can make within us and in people around us, so that no woman has to hesitate to live a basic, carefree life.
This is, paradoxically, a very carefully thought out rant, and I've tried to chronologically point out how we end up in a society where women are surrounded by threats and discomfort.
Something abhorrent happens, we vow to change, we punish the perpetrators, we apologize to the victims, and then something equally horrible happens elsewhere; the cycle continues.
Let's #breakthecycle .
I would really appreciate your opinions, feedback, criticisms and even debates.
Chapter - 1 : Genesis
A child is born. A biological label emerges - boy, girl, others. However, it doesn't remain purely biological. If it's a boy, we hope he's strong and smart, so he'll be successful materialistically. If it's a girl, we hope she's attractive and maternal so that successful guys will pick her. If it's others, we lament and hope a 'normal' life is still possible.
As they grow up, we train them accordingly. Boys are encouraged to be physical in the way they interact with the world, to be strong, and take what they want. Girls are trained to be gentle and emotional in their approach, and give what others need. The ones who do not fit into these moulds, as obviously not everyone can, are ranked lower according to these very specific standards.
Puberty hits. Owing to biological wiring, the female hormonal cycle is adjusted according to when the uterus is at its optimum, to host and deliver the healthiest progeny. The male hormonal cycle is substantially more random and instantaneous, to be able to mate with any female if and when he is approved by them as the healthiest set of genes.
Children try to deal with these intimidating new experiences accordingly, but we end up suppressing their questions and quests, instead of explaining what is happening. This leads to misconceptions and assumptions, based purely on physical cues and Internet learning, targeted at biological instincts and profiteering.
Symmetrical facial features are physical markers for the absence of genetic defects. Bountiful breasts provide more immunity boosting milk for the infant in its crucial first year. Wide hips allow a bigger brain size in the child. A tall stature enables creatures to spot enemies from farther away. Fast, strong, muscular individuals are more adept at escaping, fighting or intimidating potential threats.
Despite our 'sophisticated' civilization, we end up rating people based on these criteria, in numbers of an extinct, ancient language. Children are confused because the way society functions does not match how they want to act upon these feelings, so they create workarounds and complex social structures to get to the same goals. Those who can't survive in this structure become outcasts; the others cling to different rungs of an imaginary ladder.
Boys start internalizing that girls need to be chased. An attractive mate becomes a status symbol. Boys, being taught to be physical always, delve into competitive acts of affection or signalling interest, to win over the hottest girls. The lines between harmless communication and harassment get blurred.
Girls start internalizing that they will always be chased, and they need to select the right mate for a sustainable relationship. Movies and books solidify this one dimensional relationship between a boy and a girl, with encouragement to the boy to try harder, and to the girl to be gentle and understanding.
The kids are now older. Boys who are able to explore their sexuality with multiple partners and are biologically attractive are labeled studs; a term that takes on a positive connotation because we perceive more hardship and success in their chase - we label them the front runners of this race.
Girls who do the same are labeled sluts; we perceive them as trophies to be won, and no one values easy trophies. Since we've raised them to be emotional, we chastise their 'masculine' physical desires, which are natural to every human.
The discrimination and shaming begins.
Chapter - 2 : Prognosis
They go out into the world as solitary, independent people, with this conditioning and stigma, labels and prejudices, and half confused sexualities and morals that are very loosely compartmentalized. Men try to take what they can, as is taught, flirting with the boundaries of decency and laws themselves. Women, thus, are on the defensive and in constant vigilance, being understandably hesitant to interact with male strangers. Those who aren't, are advised by other women and men in their life to be careful, and sometimes are chided for the same.
As an individual, the goal is to maximize and utilize our most positive and prominent attributes to get our share of resources in this competitive world; be it physical features, fashion, artistic talent, analytical ability, physical prowess or any combination of genetics and effort, equally worthy of admiration and free from judgement. However, with the gender specific social dogmas in place, physically attractive women face the brunt of extreme shaming and harassment, which scales proportionately with how far they stray from society's standards on how women should behave.
If a woman is a fashion icon or a fitness model, being bombarded with perverse comments or indecent requests becomes normalized; so much so that it becomes a way of life. This is a bad sign. Women who post pictures of themselves on social media or like to dress in a way that highlights their beauty face similar vitriol. Even if a woman stays at home all the time, close relatives can also pose a danger. This is DEFINITELY a bad sign.
We don't even mention the safety on the streets, and the perennial, exasperating need for a male companion in late nights. That has been internalized to an extent that there are no laws for prevention of sexual assault, or curbing of symptoms that can finally cascade in the same. All of that is left to individual judgement and safety measures.
What follows are hastily made over-compensatory laws, that are inherently prone to misuse and cause collateral damage, which further causes a rift between those who are grateful for some kind of protective measure, and those who have been unfortunate victims of it. After trying to put band-aids on a cancer, we shrug and tell men and women alike, here we are now. The damage is done; best of luck.
Chapter - 3 : Catharsis
As a man, based on my limited knowledge and experience, there's not much I can offer as advice to other men, but here I go.
The question remains - what can we do? As individuals, who have no control over the big picture, having been conditioned and forced into our roles and traits, what can we do? How can we reverse this social engineering, if we can?
1) Self-awareness:
Realize who you are. You're a messy, amalgamated result of natural forces and a complex civilization. It is natural to be horny randomly, it is natural to want to check out a woman you find attractive, it is natural to want to look at porn or have sex, it is natural to want to express to a woman that you find her attractive; women have their own versions of these feelings. No one can or should chastise or judge you for what you think about. Don't suppress your train of thought, it'll only exacerbate the problem.
Your ACTIONS, however, are a completely different story. Actions have consequences, and you'll never know when you've crossed the line. A positive source of affection can never go wrong. But all wrong doing comes from negative sources. If it is resentment, ego, animal lust or anger; just pause, and let rationality take over. Is it worth it? Are you willing to let another person or people have such a strong effect on you? Does your mind get so out of control that you're willing to emotionally and/or physically harm someone and justify it to yourself? And even if so, is it all for some vengeful satisfaction? Are there other sources of healthier pleasure, like your passions, hobbies or leisure time? And even if there is sexual angst, is there a way to vent it without hurting or discomforting someone?
2) Empathetic Awareness:
There is a vicious cycle of struggle and reward which we tend to follow. If we want something, we put whatever efforts we can to get it; if we fail, we either blame ourselves or the thing we want.
But people can't be treated as things; you can't keep trying harder and harder, and keep perceiving rejections as challenges. You can't resent people who do not give you rewards for your struggle. Nice guys can't be expecting reciprocation of their feelings just because they're upholding basic standards. Persistent guys can't be expecting a movie ending where the actress finally sees their good side and gives in. And if you're resentful about anything, try to process it yourself, before it comes out in unhealthy forms, like dehumanizing women in general and retaliating or lashing out with threats that are objectively inhuman.
3) Compartmentalization:
If a woman posts a glamorous photo, she's not asking for it. This is a frequently used statement, but not many people grasp it properly. Women ask for it, yes; but only when they ask for it. They compartmentalize their physical desires from their passions, hobbies, or just pastimes. We all post photos of ourselves, we all like it when we're appreciated - but it is not sexualized; similar to how when a musician or writer posts a little something they played or sang or wrote, they are also seeking attention and appreciation.
A simple analogy; the problem usually arises when we appreciate food not like chefs or artists, but like hungry animals who simply want to consume it. Hence, try to compartmentalize your physical desires, urges and hunger from the rest of you as a person.
There is no shame in masturbation, or watching porn occasionally to release that pent up tension. No one will judge you for it; it is only when we bother other people with our momentary surges of lust, that we screw up.
And finally, the most important aspect:
4) Apologize:
If you've done something horrible, or participated in something that has hurt people, or stood by and watched, own up to it. Don't be in denial; no one is the villain in their story, so it is important to read all stories - especially the ones in which you're the villain. No one is beyond redemption, and apologizing or admitting something doesn't mean you lose, it just means a fresh start. It is the hardest thing to do, but that is the only way to break the cycle. If you justify it, the problem only gets worse. The rift deepens, and the frustration builds. Men and women are NOT from different planets, and we're just a collection of traits and attributes that make us humans, with our genders being one of them. We're not our breasts, or asses, or abs, or butts, or height, or penises, or vaginas, and our actions or our lives should not be affected this deeply by them.
But if that's all we are, then we've successfully objectified ourselves.
The question remains - what can we do? As individuals, who have no control over the big picture, having been conditioned and forced into our roles and traits, what can we do? How can we reverse this social engineering, if we can?
1) Self-awareness:
Realize who you are. You're a messy, amalgamated result of natural forces and a complex civilization. It is natural to be horny randomly, it is natural to want to check out a woman you find attractive, it is natural to want to look at porn or have sex, it is natural to want to express to a woman that you find her attractive; women have their own versions of these feelings. No one can or should chastise or judge you for what you think about. Don't suppress your train of thought, it'll only exacerbate the problem.
Your ACTIONS, however, are a completely different story. Actions have consequences, and you'll never know when you've crossed the line. A positive source of affection can never go wrong. But all wrong doing comes from negative sources. If it is resentment, ego, animal lust or anger; just pause, and let rationality take over. Is it worth it? Are you willing to let another person or people have such a strong effect on you? Does your mind get so out of control that you're willing to emotionally and/or physically harm someone and justify it to yourself? And even if so, is it all for some vengeful satisfaction? Are there other sources of healthier pleasure, like your passions, hobbies or leisure time? And even if there is sexual angst, is there a way to vent it without hurting or discomforting someone?
2) Empathetic Awareness:
There is a vicious cycle of struggle and reward which we tend to follow. If we want something, we put whatever efforts we can to get it; if we fail, we either blame ourselves or the thing we want.
But people can't be treated as things; you can't keep trying harder and harder, and keep perceiving rejections as challenges. You can't resent people who do not give you rewards for your struggle. Nice guys can't be expecting reciprocation of their feelings just because they're upholding basic standards. Persistent guys can't be expecting a movie ending where the actress finally sees their good side and gives in. And if you're resentful about anything, try to process it yourself, before it comes out in unhealthy forms, like dehumanizing women in general and retaliating or lashing out with threats that are objectively inhuman.
3) Compartmentalization:
If a woman posts a glamorous photo, she's not asking for it. This is a frequently used statement, but not many people grasp it properly. Women ask for it, yes; but only when they ask for it. They compartmentalize their physical desires from their passions, hobbies, or just pastimes. We all post photos of ourselves, we all like it when we're appreciated - but it is not sexualized; similar to how when a musician or writer posts a little something they played or sang or wrote, they are also seeking attention and appreciation.
A simple analogy; the problem usually arises when we appreciate food not like chefs or artists, but like hungry animals who simply want to consume it. Hence, try to compartmentalize your physical desires, urges and hunger from the rest of you as a person.
There is no shame in masturbation, or watching porn occasionally to release that pent up tension. No one will judge you for it; it is only when we bother other people with our momentary surges of lust, that we screw up.
And finally, the most important aspect:
4) Apologize:
If you've done something horrible, or participated in something that has hurt people, or stood by and watched, own up to it. Don't be in denial; no one is the villain in their story, so it is important to read all stories - especially the ones in which you're the villain. No one is beyond redemption, and apologizing or admitting something doesn't mean you lose, it just means a fresh start. It is the hardest thing to do, but that is the only way to break the cycle. If you justify it, the problem only gets worse. The rift deepens, and the frustration builds. Men and women are NOT from different planets, and we're just a collection of traits and attributes that make us humans, with our genders being one of them. We're not our breasts, or asses, or abs, or butts, or height, or penises, or vaginas, and our actions or our lives should not be affected this deeply by them.
But if that's all we are, then we've successfully objectified ourselves.
Epilogue : FAQs
Q) What if we're not hurting anybody? If a group of boys are just discussing and rating girls, without anyone finding out, then who are we hurting?
A) The Locker Room problem; it spills out. It becomes part of the way we start looking at or evaluating women. That cascades into our behaviour with them, and moulds other guys who may not think that way, to start thinking and talking that way, because of a weird peer pressure and being perceived as non-masculine. It's scientific; whatever you do frequently and intently, becomes muscle memory eventually.
Q) What about girls who manipulate guys and use them for their personal profit, misusing their love for them?
A) This phenomenon is not gender specific. Everybody manipulates everybody. Everybody wants some personal gain from everyone, all our relationships are based on mutual benefit. But still, chastising someone as a manipulative girl is different from calling them a manipulative person. Know the difference.
Q) What about Femi-Nazis?
A) If there is someone who keeps over-correcting you and chastising you for all your statements and even the occasional, unintentional faux pas, you can choose not to keep their company. But do understand or try to empathize what they've seen or been through, and why they're biased against men in general. The simple concept is - if you assume someone's intentions based on their actions (eg asking for it, sexist jokes) then you can either get to know them better so you can understand their intentions, and try to separate them from their actions, or tell them that you suspect their intentions, and ask them to sod off. Then the choice is theirs, to either respect your feelings and act accordingly, or isolate themselves from you. Of course, everyone getting to know each other better and meeting halfway is ideal, but not very feasible.
Q) Are jokes fine?
A) Jokes are meant to make someone laugh, give someone a burst of joy, a respite from the tedium of everyday. Some jokes are meant to scandalize, which is a vicarious way to let out our deepest, darkest thoughts in a comic medium, to lighten the blow, and still be able to be comfortable with all kinds of topics, no matter how taboo or horrifying, that cross many human minds. Since jokes are made by people, a lot of jokes are also based on people, and hence, some specific jokes might hurt you. So, if you cherry pick on the topics that people around you cannot joke about, and if your group agrees, then all is good. If not, then you can choose your company accordingly.
The reason a lot more people are getting offended by jokes everyday is because technology gives us access to all types of groups, with all types of audiences.
At the end of the day, the lesser people you hurt, the better.
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